What is Gaslighting?

What is Gaslighting?

Did you know that ‘gaslighting’ was named word of the year in 2022 by the Merriam-Webster dictionary? In the age of misinformation, “fake news,” Twitter trolls, deepfakes, and conspiracy theories, it is easy to see why. 

Gaslighting is a deeply insidious behaviour whereby one person repeatedly tries to convince another that their understanding of the world is incorrect. In other words, it is a way of manipulating another person into questioning their own perception of reality.

The term originally came from the 1938 stage play ‘Gaslight’, a psychological thriller written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton in 1938. The play follows a woman named Bella Manningham, whose husband, Jack, manipulates her into doubting her own sanity by dimming the gas lights in their home. 

In this article, we will look at how this corrosive interpersonal behaviour can harm relationships.

What is a gaslighter?

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a ‘gaslighter’ is a person who says things to deliberately confuse another person, e.g. a person who tries to make their wife or husband think they are irrational or too sensitive as a way of covering up their own abusive behaviour. A gaslighter may tell their husband or wife:

• “You are crazy” 

• “It’s all in your head”

• “You’re too sensitive”

• “I only did it because I love you”

• “That never happened”

• “They are stupid”

• “Now you are just confusing me”

• “That is just nonsense you read on the internet. It is not real.”

Indeed, there are many famous gaslighters. Former US President Richard Nixon was famously accused of gaslighting the American public over the Watergate scandal. Similarly, cyclist Lance Armstrong was found guilty of high levels of doping after repeatedly denying the allegations for most of his professional career; behaviour that was described by some at the time as gaslighting.

What is gaslighting in a relationship?

Gaslighting within a relationship is a manipulative tactic whereby one partner tries to alter the other’s perception of reality for their own benefit. This is done in a number of ways, including through lies, denial, misdirection, and blame-shifting. The aim is to sow doubt, making the other person start to question their own memories and instincts. 

Gaslighting can take place in any type of relationship, but it is particularly damaging in intimate or romantic relationships. As they lose confidence in their own judgment and perceptions, victims of gaslighting behaviours often feel confused, anxious, and isolated.

In a marriage or civil partnership, gaslighting often manifests through one spouse repeatedly denying events or emotions. They may also try to shift blame for conflicts entirely onto the other partner. Given enough time, the person on the receiving end can start to feel as though they are always at fault, even for things that are beyond their control. 

One of the insidious effects of gaslighting is that one partner may start to feel totally dependent on the other to validate how they feel and what they are perceiving. This creates an unhealthy balance of power in the relationship, with the gaslighter maintaining control through emotional manipulation.

What is an example of gaslighting?

An example of gaslighting is if you were convinced your partner was having an affair - you may have obtained what you consider to be conclusive evidence of that affair - but when you confront them they lie and confuse you to make you doubt your feelings and observations. You can learn about what to do if your spouse is having an affair here.

Emotional abuse is a complex topic, and there are many types of behaviour that can be classified as, or considered part of the cycle of, emotional abuse. Stonewalling and love bombing, for example, are polar opposite examples of how abusers use emotional manipulation to get what they want. 

If you feel you’ve been gaslit, learning more about emotionally abusive relationships is important - read our blog about emotionally abusive relationships and what you can do to take the first step towards understanding.

Can a relationship survive gaslighting?

There is no definitive answer to the question of whether a relationship can survive gaslighting. The reality is that without genuine and meaningful change by the gaslighter, trust, communication, and intimacy within the relationship are destroyed. 

If both partners are committed to healing and rebuilding trust, it may be possible to repair the relationship. In order for this to happen, the abusive behaviour must first be recognised and addressed by the perpetrators themselves. Ultimately, it is for them to take responsibility for their actions. 

Individual and couples’ therapy is almost always core to overcoming the long-term effects of gaslighting and preventing its recurrence in the future. However, it is important to remember that in some cases, the best course of action may be to leave the relationship in the interests of mental health and well-being. As such, it is important to be realistic about the prospects of the gaslighter changing habits they may have held for their adult life. 

If you decide your relationship can’t survive gaslighting, what can you do? There are several options. You may wish to consider divorce or a civil partnership dissolution and use mediation services to settle issues around finances or child custody. But this isn’t for everyone - assess whether your partner is capable of addressing and taking accountability for their actions before making a decision.

How to deal with gaslighting in a relationship

Robin Stern, the associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, believes that men and women learn to deal with gaslighting by taking the following steps:

1. Identify the issue - recognise and name the problem in your relationship.

2. Separate truth from distortion - keep a journal of conversations to objectively assess where reality diverges from the other person’s view.

3. Check for power struggles - repeated unresolved conversations might indicate gaslighting.

4. Visualise distance - imagine life without a relationship or with limited contact in a positive way.

5. Acknowledge your emotions - accept your feelings and track emotional patterns

6. Accept letting go - remember it’s okay to walk away from toxic relationships, even close ones.

7. Reality checks with friends - ask trusted friends if your behaviour seems off and get honest feedback.

8. Focus on feelings, not on being right - pay attention to how you feel, not who is right in the conversation.

9. Accept you can’t change others - let go of trying to control someone else’s opinion.

10. Practice self-compassion - be kind to yourself and prioritise self-care during difficult times.