What is Stonewalling in a Relationship?
Being in a relationship can be challenging, especially when dealing with conflict, tragedy or unforeseen circumstances. Maintaining your relationship is vital to thrive as partners, yet sometimes, relationships can take a turn for the worse, or your partner changes their behaviour, such as stonewalling.
Whether you’re new in your relationship or a long-term relationship, stonewalling can become a problem. We’ve shared a guide on the definition of stonewalling in a relationship, the different types of stonewalling, how to recognise stonewalling, the emotional effects of stonewalling, and how to deal with stonewalling in your relationship.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a negative relationship behaviour where one partner refuses to speak or engage with the other. It can involve the ‘silent treatment’, shutting down or becoming unresponsive, avoiding speaking with your partner.
Stonewalling can be more common than you think, even becoming a problem in a prolonged healthy relationship, leading to frustrating and isolated feelings for the person on the receiving end.
What are the ’four horsemen’?
According to the internationally renowned Gottman Institute, Stonewalling is one of four negative relationship behaviours referred to as ‘the four horsemen’. These four highly damaging and corrosive behaviours are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. As they explain:
“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death, respectively. We use this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to our research, can predict the end of a relationship”.
Identifying the Four Horsemen in conflict discussions is vital to eliminating them. However, knowledge isn’t enough to drive away destructive communication; that comes from replacing and creating healthy and productive patterns and tactics in your relationship.
What is stonewalling in a relationship?
Stonewalling in a relationship involves one partner avoiding or refusing communication with the other, creating a barrier to resolving conflict, manifesting into silence, monosyllabic responses, or physically leaving the room during a discussion. The intentional shutting down and silent treatment during an argument can be damaging and hurtful for the other party in the relationship.
The Gottman Institute explains that when stonewalling occurs in a discussion or argument, “the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner”.
Stonewalling can involve behaviours, including discomfort in discussing feelings, minimising another person’s feelings, refusing to respond to questions and walking away during a conversation, causing stress.
How can I recognise stonewalling in a relationship?
Many people often can't recognise the signs and symptoms of stonewalling in a relationship, yet identifying those signs is the most effective way to deal with stonewalling.
Stonewalling is characterised by the following signs:
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Ignoring - one partner may deliberately ignore or avoid the other in conversation.
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Changing subjects – changing the subject to avoid serious discussions.
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Non-responsive - refusing to respond or providing only monosyllabic answers.
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Dismissive body language – e.g. turning away, eye-rolling or avoiding eye contact.
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Passive-aggressive - delaying conversations, making excuses, or showing up late to avoid discussions.
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Dismissing concerns - dismissing the other partner’s feelings or concerns as trivial or unimportant.
What are the emotional effects of stonewalling in relationships?
If left to persist, stonewalling can have a devastating effect on a relationship. This behaviour can break communication and trust, leading to emotional distance and resentment over time. The erosion of the relationship’s foundation can make it difficult to resolve conflicts and understand each other’s needs and feelings; the other party effectively ‘gives up’.
The emotional effects of stonewalling in a relationship can include feelings of neglect, isolation and frustration for the affected partner. In some cases, stonewalling can qualify as emotional abuse, like love bombing, if used as intentionally as a form of manipulation. Stonewalling can impact more than two people, extending to families.
How to deal with stonewalling in a relationship
Stonewalling can become a serious problem in a relationship. If you recognise stonewalling in your relationship, you can use various steps or methods to address the issue.
Express how the stonewalling behaviour makes you feel and affects the relationship
Your partner may not recognise that they are stonewalling, and addressing it may allow them time to reflect on their actions and how it makes you feel. However, when raising the issue, they may become defensive. In this case, staying calm and in control can help you speak about your feelings more openly.
Try to understand why your partner resorts to stonewalling
Stonewalling may be a learned behaviour or a coping mechanism for stress or fear of conflict from their childhood. Whether from their trauma or seeing it happen in other relationships they know, they may be oblivious to their behaviour and how it is affecting them. Understanding their reactions and past can help you get to grips with their emotional intelligence and how they communicate.
Clearly define what is acceptable in your communication and set boundaries to prevent stonewalling
Your partner may not like what you are saying, but it is vital that you set the limits of what you will tolerate, and they need to reflect on this. Given time, they will hopefully realise what they have been doing and adopt newer, more adaptive ways of dealing with conflict.
Understanding what stonewalling is in a relationship
Stonewalling is a destructive behaviour that can seriously damage a relationship to the point of separation. You can put yourself in control of the situation by understanding the meaning of stonewalling, recognising its signs, and knowing how to respond.
If stonewalling persists, consider getting the help of a relationship counsellor or therapist. They can provide various tools and strategies to improve communication and address any underlying issues in your relationship. In many cases, this is all it takes for stonewalling partners to stop their negative behaviour and adopt more healthy communication methods.
Guillaumes LLP Solicitors is a full-service law firm based in Weybridge, Surrey. Our highly experienced family law team can assist you with any aspect of your Islamic divorce. To make an appointment, please call us on 01932 840 111.
